When Your Heart Says *Enough*

I would say this post has been brewing in my mind for many weeks. I’ve stopped and started it a half dozen times, unable to find the right words to say.

Should I lean on the trials and obstacles of the past few months or focus on their lessons? I ultimately decided to pray, then write, and see what the Holy Spirit had to say.

Drink a cold Dos Equis.

It’s true, I swear I heard him say that. And then I laughed because our fridge broke and ain’t nothing was cold. We did have a nice, huge lake of water in our kitchen and foyer, though. It was awesome. {sarcasm font} That was riiiight before our dishwasher quit, too. I know, a mom’s worst nightmare.

So, yes, there have been more broken bones, appliances, major home fixtures, chairs, trash cans, furniture and toilets in our home than I thought possible in a four month span. But, I believe we call that “life” or “when it rains it pours” or “what are you gonna do?”

But, truly, it’s been the intangibles that had me crying in my closet two nights ago. It was ugly. Just so many things had me screaming, this is enough Lord. Like really enough. It was the sending the preemie off to kindergarten, the confident 14yo off to high school, the family drama, the medical issues, the finding our family rhythm, the stuff of life that has had me in a funk. And then today a sweet fourth grader at our school lost his battle with leukemia. Nine-year-old’s should not die from cancer.

Not only does it put it into perspective, these things that weigh on us, but how we choose to let them control us, or not, that is the difference. I read a reflection this afternoon from Fr. James Stephen Behrens and he has this to say about the dark times in life, italics are mine:

We do the best we can to avoid those dark times that can envelop us in life. But the times come. They are unavoidable: the loss of health, the death of a child, the devastating blows of misfortune. For many people, the darkness of such pain moves them to blame God for what has befallen them. And yet for others, darkness is a time to draw as near as possible to God. They draw hope and strength from an awareness of God’s presence and warmth in what otherwise would be a cold and forsaken place. Perhaps the difference between the former and the latter is a conviction that God, in the person of Jesus, knew the darkness of this life. And ever since he walked this earth, any and every dark space in life has become a source of hope, of redemption, of light. There is no place in this world that God is “not.” He is everywhere as a living hope that darkness bears within itself the promise of new life.

I wouldn’t put myself in the category of “awesome regular prayer person.” I’m assuming there’s a category of people like that. And if you are one of those people, may I please be your friend? Seriously. I am in the “God I’m really screwing up here, can you help a sister out” category. Pretty sure I have some great company in that one. As Colleen Duggan reminded me on a recent podcast, we all just keep going back to confession asking God to help us out, again and again. Nobody has this life thing figured out.

Thanks for allowing me to brain dump today. I needed it. The tears have come and gone and now I’m looking to leaning into the joy of what’s to come this year: clean dishes, happy kids, working furniture and a cold beer.

Amen to that.