If you had told me 39 weeks ago that I would make it to 40 weeks with this pregnancy, I would’ve laughed my ever-lovin’ head off. Sometimes God takes your prayer requests seriously.
After I wrote Monday’s post on Sunday evening, I swore off social media and the blog. Because, you know, I was totally going to have this baby on or before my due date. That was my plan. Might I add that it had color-coded sticky notes for God and everything? It’s just that the chorus of “haven’t you had that baby yet?” was really beginning to wear on me and I knew social media would only make it worse.
The last couple of days have been particularly hard for me. There have been the on again-off again contractions, the hormones, the expectations, the anticipation, the worry, the fear – all of it. After my Tuesday morning visit with my OB, we scheduled a c-section in case Baby Whitaker doesn’t make the debut on his/her own and that news sent me down a whole new path of anxiety. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. I knew the day was coming when we might have to do that, but I just never thought it would actually come.
With each new delivery thought, each contraction that wasn’t coming, I was building this crazy wall of anxiety. Like Great Wall of China big. And it was just destroying my joy. I joked with Scott that I wanted to hibernate and not come out until the baby was born. But it wasn’t really a joke.
But I can also tell you that there have been many moments of grace and reflection. The foot massages by a dear friend who is training to be a midwife (she knows all the good pressure points to induce labor!), confession with our priest, sweet singing Dominicans, the loveliest of texts and phone calls and the just right conversation with the just right friend at the just right moment.
Today, I was sitting in the backyard enjoying the most glorious of afternoons. The kids were playing a round of kickball and having a blast. The birds were chirping, Pandora was playing and I was reminded of something Scott said this weekend. He was making his way through the house, picking up laundry to drop in the washer and he turned to me and said, “We sure do have a good life.” I just smiled because he speaks the truth. It’s messy and I’ve been crying more than usual, but God has allowed us to build a pretty awesome sauce kind of life.
As I was lamenting to our priest about my fears and worries about this delivery (one of these days I will apologize to him for all my crying and sniffling and ridiculous hormones), he said something to me that I keep repeating to myself.
“You know, Kathryn,” he said, “whenever you deliver this baby, God will be in that moment. In fact, He’s already there.” God’s love and mercy is timeless. I keep thinking of ways I can induce labor (trust me, I’ve tried them all except castor oil, because EW!), stuff I can clean and organize, errands I need to run, but ultimately my timeline isn’t what matters. Each hour a part of my plan is getting changed and with each hour I’m letting go of a tiny bit of my death grip on perfection.
So, this really WILL be my last post until the baby arrives. And, I really have sworn off social media until then. If I’m a little slow to respond to your texts or calls, comments or emails, it’s not because I’m not reading them and loving them, I’m just trying to enjoy these final few days. Heather, my best friend from high school, sent me a note today and I think it’s worth sharing with each of you.
[Being pregnant] is like Christmas when the beautiful packages are wrapped, the anticipation is palpable and you can’t seem to wait another minute. Yet, when you unwrap them you can’t ever go back to those thrilling moments before. Pregnancy and birth are both unlike anything else in this life! Love that!
Thank you for praying for us, being excited with us and feeling our anticipation and joy. And, also, if you’d like to change diapers at 3am I will totally let you do that. Because I’m a giver.
Get excited, y’all. The next post from me will be baby news!!