As you read this, I’m likely downing my fourth or fifth glass of water today. But that’s all because of yesterday’s OB visit. Let’s revisit that, shall we?
I’ve been skating in the boring lane for most of this pregnancy. Praise the Lawd. But it’s days like yesterday that I’m reminded that “spring chicken” and “young and knocked up” no longer describe me. At least not in OB/GYN world.
Usually when the ultrasound tech says things like, “Let me just double check those measurements,” I’m on guard. I tried to shake it but when I walked into the room to see my OB a few minutes later and she immediately went to the computer instead of the usual chit-chat, I knew something was brewing.
“Well, I see you decided to be interesting instead of boring, Kathryn,” she said. It appears my amniotic fluid levels have dropped from the 43rd-percentile to the 18th-percentile. Um, not good. I’m teetering around 5cm of fluid. I got the stern look and an order to drink at least 10 glasses of water a day. Hello, wake-up call. In hindsight, I’ve been extraordinarily thirsty the last few weeks. But, you know, I was busy doing things. Being a mom. Scrubbing tile grout. Cleaning dishwashers. You know, important things.
I forgot to be vigilant.
And as we discussed my plan for delivery, I realized that my dream of delivering VBAC could be flying out the window all because I got too comfortable. Bottom line is if my fluid levels don’t rise (read: double) then momma is headed to the OR for a c-section. And that just really freaks me out.
To really understand my fear, you have to rewind to 2009. Luke’s birth. It was traumatic and those scars I will carry with me for a lifetime. As I asked for prayers today on Facebook and via text with friends, a wonderful friend said this and it totally got my attention:
Stay grounded in the present and try to not let fear from the past overtake you.
Those words were exactly what my heart, this baby’s heart, needed to hear. You see, there are really only four people who intimately, and fully, understand the fear I have of repeating a c-section: me, my husband, God and Mary. My last pregnancy and delivery carried so much fear, so much doubt, so many unknowns. But that was 2009. This is 2014.
Fear is a funny thing. Sometimes I catch it as a glimmer in my rear view mirror, often doing a double take to see if it was really there and then quickly dismissing it. Other times, I can manage it, with prayer and amazing friends, I see fear for what it is and I conquer it. And then sometimes it starts to overwhelm me. It feels crippling.
I’m a woman of faith and I recognize that my God is almighty and powerful. But while I trust in His wisdom, I’m also human. I fear things that I shouldn’t, worry when there’s no need and go down the “what if” path when I should always avoid it. Today has brought back so many emotions, but it’s also reminded me that there’s only so much I can control and the rest I have to place in God’s hands.
And let me tell you, control freaks do not handle that transition of power well. At all.
Today at 1:30 I’ll repeat the ultrasound. The results of that test will tell us the next steps: more hydration and resting or packing and heading to the OR. I promise to post an update here when I have one. Until then…
St. Gerard Majella, pray for us!