As much as I love social media, it may be the death of me.

Maybe.

These last few weeks it seems like I can’t get out of my own funk. You know, the one where everyone else is “living the life” and you’re sweeping up Cheerios and folding laundry, running errands and putting screaming kids in timeout? Yeah, that life. Facebook tells me that everyone under the sun is living the life, Instagram shows me, Twitter tweets out the link, FourSquare shows me where and Pinterest adds words to the photo and makes it all pretty.

Le sigh.

It is so hard to be comfortable in your own skin. To rejoice in other people’s accomplishments. To admire, not fester jealousy. To praise, not secretly criticize. We are human, I know. But still. I’m working hard to be joyful, in all things. But these two-hour school delays and cancellations are killing me, y’all.

Just yesterday morning, I woke up in a ba-ad mood. Which, of course, manifested into a rough morning with the kids. Yes, they were willing bad attitude participants, but I certainly didn’t do much to help the cause for joy. Scott gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, “Keep them alive until I get home.” I usually chuckle when he says that, because it immediately changes my tune. But on this day, I found that it just made me more frustrated with myself.

It’s funny (or providential) but two weeks ago I spent nearly an hour in adoration (Catholic speak for prayer time in front of the Blessed Sacrament/Jesus) in a local church’s chapel. I’ve heard people say it before but this is the first time it’s seemed real. When I spend time with God, the Devil ramps up the self-doubt, the nagging, the jealousy, the discontent. And to be honest, I’m damn sick of it. The attacks, not God 🙂

Then, this afternoon, I managed to snag a coveted vanilla Dr Pepper from Sonic. Oh, caffeine, how I love thee. As I sat at my computer, banging out some client work, my thoughts drifted back to replay my day and the last few weeks.

And I was embarrassed. Ashamed. Defeated.

Then I heard the *ding* of my phone.

The most beautiful email crossed through the interwebs and I began to cry. It was totally the pregnancy hormones. Yes, definitely those. I read these words probably 34 times. Or, something like that.

…you make me want to be a better mom, a kinder person, and a better Catholic.

A complete stranger reminded me that we all struggle, but goodness lies inside all of us. As my good imaginary wizard, Sirius Black reminds me: “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.”

Perhaps it’s time to bask in the light and to remember who I really am. Who God made me to be. A joyful mom, wife and friend who sometimes has really crappy days, but in the end, a woman who chooses light.

madlib, blog

19 Comments

  1. Pauline on February 12, 2014 at 8:59 am

    God Bless you Kathryn. You are a good person, wife and mother. I read your blog and see what a busy, crazy and Blessed life you have. As a cradle catholic I wish I would have embraced my faith better in motherhood when my children were home. They are grown now and on their own with their spouses. ( This happens very, very, fast.) Take every day and moment and try to enjoy; at least offer it up for their salvation.
    I am looking forward to embracing being a grandmother in July. I am going to try to savour every moment of it.

  2. Shandra on February 12, 2014 at 9:00 am

    You’re an amazing woman! I admire all that you do and accomplish on a daily basis. I consider you a friend even though you live in my computer and we don’t know each other outside of that. We’re both Moms, Wives to Aggies, Aggies and Catholic…..what a combo!!

  3. Gina on February 12, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Kathyrn – I feel the exact same way these days! I think the long, cold winter is starting to get to everyone! My boys know which buttons to push, and it seems that are pushing them more often these days. I view myself as a positive, upbeat person, but boy, can my boys bring out the negative, grouchy person in the matter of seconds. Social media seems to be all about the positives going on in people’s lives…no one wants to brag about the negative! I love reading your blogs, and especially liked your one today, as that is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. Hang in there sista! You are an amazing friend, wife, and mom! Keep up the great work! Hugs!

    • Kathryn on February 14, 2014 at 8:06 am

      Gina, when I look back on my time at ISU, I always see you, sitting at your desk, smiling at every person who entered those doors. You’re a blessing!

  4. Nicole on February 12, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Oh, Kathryn. You are so right. Just yesterday, I was in a huge funk. My friend’s brother and sister-in-law delivered twins yesterday at 22 weeks due to a severe infection, and you can imagine the unfortunate outcome of the delivery. I came home from work in just the worst of moods. I told my husband about it right as I walked in, as he was assembling his half of the kids lunches. Instead of his usual “I’m sorry, honey,” I got an ear-full of why I needed to do more around the house. NOT exactly what I wanted to hear. This spilled over into dinner prep and into dinner. Le sigh…

    After full bellies and helping write out valentines and decorate the valentine box for my son, things were right again. I just needed to remember what matters most. Thank you for this post today. And I happen to think you are amazing, honest, and true. 🙂

  5. Kimberly on February 12, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Katheryn, thank you for keeping it real. My “real” these days is a husband working his butt off at his new job so he can hopefully get a raise in April, him being gone 2 nights a week to take classes for his CPA certification and staying up very late many nights studying for his 3 classes, me working at the home school co-op but really not enjoying it– very stressful (and they won’t relieve me of a few of my duties,even though I’ve asked); I can’t quit because we need the tuition discount, 5 kids who need me, but I just sometimes need to be away from them, worrying about our finances, getting burned by 2 awful, nasty, condescending emails I got (from family members no less!) last week, and fighting jealousy because I wish I could go to the Edel conference in Austin this summer but we have zip money for it…oh well! So yeah…I’m in a funk too! And I’m trying my darndest to get out of it!

  6. Kelly S on February 12, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    I don’t usually comment on your blog, but I love reading it. However, I have to say thanks to you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to read today!

    • Kathryn on February 14, 2014 at 8:07 am

      I’m so glad you commented! And, even more grateful your read. Glad my honesty resonated. We’re all in this together!

  7. Joy B on February 12, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    You are so right; sometimes it is so hard to choose to focus on the light in us and our lives ~ but chiming in to say “thanks for helping me fight the good fight”!!

  8. Amber Fogarty on February 12, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    This was genuinely EXACTLY what I needed to hear today…you seem to have knack for bringing the right words onto my screen at the right time. You have a gift, and I’m thankful God uses you to give me the reminders I most need. Sending love and prayers to you and your family always!

  9. Jennifer @ Little Silly Goose on February 12, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    I was surprised to discover the same thing a couple years ago… I was growing closer to God in one aspect of my life and really struggling with temptation in another aspect, and it truly felt like the Devil’s handiwork… hadn’t experienced that before. I feel like I have been growing closer to God lately, and I see what may be the first signs of a similar temptation appearing in my life. I’m sticking close to God this time… praying I can avoid any traps that the Devil may be laying for me.

    Anyway, thanks for being real and sharing your experience.

  10. Lisa on February 12, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    Needed to hear this, Kathryn! Thank you!

  11. Placid us on February 12, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    Read The Discernment of Spirits by Fr Timothy Gallagher. It will help you deal with the attacks.

  12. Amanda S on February 12, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Thanks for this post. I have been struggling with confidence, negativity and self doubt but I know its just a bump in the road. You inspire me to just keep plugging along with the best intentions.

  13. Mary on February 13, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    I so understand my friend. It’s hard when you spend so much time just getting through the day trying to maintain your sanity and everything you see says that the grass IS greener on the other side.

    Sigh.

    You want to know what I love about visiting your space? Your smile, your honesty, your example to live in the moment and appreciate all the blessings that come your way, wether you asked for them or not. You are an encourager and a hope lifter. I look forward to seeing what your wearing and what your kids are up to. I always have a smile on my face when I leave.

    YOU do that for me. Every time. So battle on sister friend. I am with you <3

    • Kathryn on February 14, 2014 at 8:08 am

      Mary, I’m not sure there’s a more joyful person I know via the interwebs than YOU. Thanks for your kind words.

  14. Cindy15905 on February 14, 2014 at 7:32 am

    This is the reason I read your blog- you have a magical way of being authentic and inspiring in the same breath. I think it is a cool breeze in the midst of mothering for those of us who read your words. I know, without a doubt, I am a lucky girl to have a loud, crazy, funny, chaotic, laundry-filled, loving big family. But, it helps to hear the thoughts/insights of other women on the same journey. Thx again <3

    • Kathryn on February 14, 2014 at 8:09 am

      Thank you, Cindy. I almost hit delete on this post. I just worried that it might be too honest. I’m grateful to hear it was the right balance of candor and compassion. Thank you, Holy Spirit!

  15. Tamalyn L. on February 14, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    Thank you, as always, for telling it like it is. The reason I read your blog is because it’s real. You’re not perfect and never will be (no offense), just like the rest of us. When I read your blog I don’t feel like a complete failure because laundry didn’t get done and we ran late here or there and oh my goodness, did that science homework get turned in (and I only have four kids!)? What I DO feel is there is another woman out there I can identify with that “gets” the ups/downs/in betweens and yet is trying so hard to represent Christ in all she does. Your children are precious, your family is beautiful and a true representation of a family working hard to be a Holy Family in a modern day and age. So, go on – you snag that vanilla Dr. Pepper! You deserve it. And thank you, thank you for reminding the rest of us that yes, there are hard, crabby, I justdon’twannagetoutofbed kind of days, but there’s always a sun shining somewhere and we may just have to take it to Christ and look deep inside to find it. Blessings to you, Kathryn.

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