A reflection

Thank goodness I have this blog, otherwise I don’t know where else I would write down all these random thoughts that swirl through my head.

Before I get started, yesterday’s photo of John Paul needs a quick explanation.  When he got home from school he was in everybody’s business causing all sorts of trouble.  I sent him to his room to read.  This is what we found when we called him down for dinner.  What a funny man.

On to son #3, Luke.  Actually, this is more how Luke is affecting me.  You know today I’m just not feeling like a good mom with all the answers.  Luke hit his 6-month milestone last Thursday.  No, I didn’t forget, just didn’t get the moment to post it on the blog.  Today we had his well check and it went as I suspected.  Mostly good, but there are some biggies that aren’t so good.  Luke is not gaining weight.  In fact, he’s at the same weight he was three weeks ago, 10lb. 3oz.  Not good.  Not good at all.  So, while I laugh at the freezer full of pumped milk, I also cry.  Because in addition to not gaining weight, he’s not nursing well and he refuses to take a bottle.  We are so sleep deprived it’s not even funny and I can’t get my son to gain weight.  How’s that for irony?

Today Lord, the cross is unbearably heavy.

Clare is fussy because, well just because.

Anna-Laura is sassy beyond help, I believe.

John Paul is trouble.

Will celebrates his 9th birthday this weekend.

And I feel like Scott and I will get a free minute together sometime in 2025.

I am tired in every way.  And, in that same breath, I am happy in every way too.  Luke is a blessing in our family and has allowed us to be beneficiaries of so much generosity that I am humbled.  Scott is an amazing husband who somehow, magically, can get Luke back to sleep at 3am.  Will is so responsible and caring and I love that kid to death.  John Paul keeps us laughing.  Anna-Laura, when she’s not throwing a fit, is Luke’s biggest admirer.  And, Clare is a ray of sunshine when we most need it.

But the tears just started flowing at the pediatrician visit today.  I’ve said it before, but it is worth repeating, Dr. Enders is the bomb.  She spent 45 minutes with Luke and I today – and I know she had a roomful of patients waiting.  I know that we will get through this.  I know that Luke will start gaining weight.  I know that today seems long, but Luke will be a year in a flash.

I know.

But today, TODAY, is hard.  This moment, this hour is draining all I have left.  I have shared my thoughts with God on His plan.  Not a fan, God.

For me, one of the hardest things to hear is, “Oh, I’m so glad Luke is all better.”  If you’ve said that, please don’t take offense or apologize.  It’s just that Luke isn’t really ever going to be better.  No surgery, no hospital stay, no medication, no specialist will make him like other kids.  I think that’s what I’m struggling with on this day.  Your mind starts to fast forward life and then you feel overwhelmed and you want to go mutter to yourself in a dark corner.  Not a good idea, folks.

As I was nursing Luke just a moment ago, I stumbled across a reflection from another mom about how she identified with Mary and asked for her intercession.  And so I did.  I found myself asking for some guidance, some solace, some direction.  I figured a mom that holds her dying son in her arms knows a thing or two about carrying a cross.

On the bright side, the refrigerator that I though was void of Dr. Pepper still had one left (thank you God).  The after-school crazy starts in 85 minutes, so I better stop feeling sorry for myself 🙂


  1. SimmonsFamily on March 23, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    I have thought many times… that we were saved from another kind of suffering when Catherine died. Don't get me wrong, I would have rather had the other suffering- the suffering that comes with the stress of a special needs child. BUT I sometimes find solace in the fact that God chose the other road for us- even though neither road is easy. Does that make sense? I think that's why I still relate to so many moms who have special needs children and stalk their blogs. 🙂 It's because I thought that was the road that God chose for us, and maybe I still want to go down that road. I don't know, but either way it is not easy. And I grew up in a home with a special needs sister- and I am well aware of the goods and the bads- there are plenty of both. This is kind of long, but hang in there. And absolutely keep asking Mary for her intercession!

  2. Ali on March 23, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    hang in there, my dear dear friend. just hang in there.

    i'm so sorry those words are so inadequate. i'm so sorry i don't know WHAT to say to make it all better.

    just keep putting one foot in front of the other and vent to us all you need. we're here. we're glad to listen. and we wish we could help you carry your burden. i'm sorry that we can't.

    but, you and your family are much loved and much prayed for.

  3. Anonymous on March 23, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    Nothing to say. I hope this hug travels all the way to you(((((((((((((kathyrn))))))))))))


  4. Anonymous on March 23, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    I hope you don't mind, and I certainly don't mean to intrude, but I found this in a book called Serving in Clarity and I thought it might help . . .

    January 1, 2008
    I am always with you, dear apostles. You move through your days of service learning greater and greater lessons in holiness. I am the teacher. When you offer Me your day, you pledge to remain with Me throughout it. This in no way diminishes the need for you to experience your humanity with all of its joys and sorrows. On the contrary, it is through your daily joys and sorrows that you are learning the lessons of love. You might think that your cross is heavy and perhaps in truth the cross that you carry is heavy. You might think that you would proceed more easily or more swiftly without the cross. This is possible, My friends, but to what purpose? Surely, I, Jesus Christ, could have advanced more quickly and comfortably to Calvary without the jeering of the crowds, the physical infirmities or the weight of the cross. This is an obvious statement. But you were destined to be saved by My Passion. The whole world benefited by My decision to accept God’s will, which included suffering. In the same way, the world is benefiting from your decision to accept the crosses in your life. You offer Me your day. This is such a simple thing from the eyes of the world and yet, from the eyes of heaven, this is a very large offering indeed. Do not be afraid of the cross in each day. Do not think that your cross will interfere with the plan that I have for you. The truth is the opposite. The plan that I have for you includes suffering, and your holiness will increase because of your crosses. I do not rejoice in the suffering of My friends. No, I do not. I do rejoice in the willingness of My friends to suffer, for Me and with Me. This will never change. My gratitude toward each of My beloved apostles increases as each day’s commitment flows into the past. A stream of allegiance pledges trail behind you as you proceed into tomorrow. Be at peace in your crosses, I beg you, because your crosses benefit you in ways that you cannot understand. It must be enough for you that the Saviour understands. If you are weary, do not be afraid. You will have what you require to cope and I will sustain you. I was weary, also. If you falter, do not be discouraged. I faltered, also, and I will lift you back to your feet. There are no circumstances that should cause you to be anxious because just as you pledge your allegiance to the Father, I, the Saviour, pledge My allegiance to you. I will take care of you, My beloved ones. You will not be abandoned.
    With prayers,
    – a friend in Jesus and Mary

  5. Makenna on March 24, 2010 at 1:29 am

    I love being invited to the pity parties! 🙂 You can join me in mine anytime. Get some good rest this evening.

  6. Nicole on March 24, 2010 at 1:56 am

    Oh sweet friend – I am sorry the load is so heavy – and that I feel so inadequate to help, support or ease your burden in any way. I can't begin to imagine what all you have faced – and what all may be in store in the future. But I am glad that you are a believer – I cannot imagine facing this life without Christ. I will continue to lift you up in prayer. Forgive me if at times I've said the wrong thing – or haven't said something when I should have. Hugging you in my heart!

  7. Verdina Louisa on March 24, 2010 at 3:12 am

    Oh, Kathryn! Once again I am so humbled by the strength of your faith. All your many friends wish we could be "Simon" for you. We just keep lifting you up in prayer and are so grateful that you share your heart with us. May you continue to feel the loving arms of Jesus around you and your family.

  8. The Steinman Squad on March 24, 2010 at 3:47 am

    You know what I have always thought? Well, like I'm not gonna tell you, but still. I think that only the great mother's feel guilty that they don't do enough or that they aren't super mom 100% of the time. I know you feel the love the the family and friends around you and I know that each and every person who has ever had any of you come in to their life has been truly touched by you and wishes they could carry you all through the valleys. I can't pretend I understand, but I can tell you that I know there are hundreds of people out here willing to pick all 7 of you up and carry you on our shoulders when you get weary from the journey. Thank you for being honest, open, strong, and so many more things. Many, many hugs and even more prayers.

  9. Anonymous on March 24, 2010 at 3:50 am

    I think it was Mother Teresa who said something about only thinking about the immediate need of the one closest to her. If she thought about all the hungry and the sick that needed help, it was too overwhelming, so she just started with the one beside her and kept going from there. And little by little she made a huge impact and kept serving with all her heart. I pray that you don't grow weary and that you keep doing exactly what you're doing for Luke, the rest of your family, and yourself. Mary will intercede for you and guide you always.

  10. Leslie on March 25, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Mother Teresa also used to pray, "Mary, please be a mother to me now." I like this one.

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